Finishing Line


Last Updated on Wednesday, 30 November -0001 00:00


So I have finished writing the Elder movie screenplay. As they say in Germany: ‘Ich habe schreckliche Probleme mit meinem Geranien!’ (Trans: “It's shit or get off the pot time.”)

So what do I do? Do a...shit? Or....get off...the.....?


The script has now gone off to our various script editors, to get ripped apart like the haunches of a gazelle by a ravenous leopard. (Fear not, readers: if any of them dare say anything bad then I'll simply fire their sorry asses. I mean arses. Arses doesn't sound quite so...I don't know...) The subsequently, erm, replete leopard will then, erm, return the masticated, digested and hopefully now much, erm, tastier...flesh (the gazelle) so that I may take my newly restored...plump haunches....back to the...grazing meet some the....watering hole. Right?

What with everything else going on with the film project, like making the trailer, arguing with Owen, posting banalities on Facebook and not to mention bringing up two (real) small children, in the end the screenplay took me eleven months to complete. It was not particularly enjoyable. Creative work rarely is (unless you are drunk, but that's never a good idea, as 99% of the time, what you write when inebriated is total bollocks - although weirdly, I find, editing after a few glasses of wine is completely fine, much like operating heavy machinery). But I learned a lot from the experience. To take up some space, here is a list in bullet points about all that I have learned from this screenwriting experience.  

- It's very easy to expand your plot; to get carried away in your imagination in construction of a wonderful world of your own creation.

- Once you have done this, it is then necessary to pull it all together again at the end. This is considerably harder. All your previous glorious expansions have to then agonizingly contract and make sense and, indeed, justify their very presence in the first place. This is a complete pain in the arse, and makes you want to punch your six-months-previous self in the face repeatedly.

- Pare the dialogue RIGHT down. Seriously. You are not Quentin Tarantino, and even he overdoes things with the showboating verbal pyrotechnics. Pare your dialogue down to, literally, a few grunts. Then pare the grunts down to a few nods and shakes of the head. A blink or two. A vague twitch. Now delete that scene entirely. Then go to the pub and cry.

- I did not learn anything else. Except how easy it is to get distracted. But then, as a writer, I knew that already.


*several hours later*

So, erm....

Our trailer has now been seen by almost 24,000 people. Hello to you all. Or rather, hello to my mother pressing refresh.

Now we need a producer. With the greatest respect to Owen (not really - I just kind of have to say that), he is not a real producer. Which is why he has ‘stepped down’.

Anybody know any good producers?

Then it's time to pitch the script to KISS.

Then after that we'll try Bryan Adams.

If all else fails, Marillion.

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